


The Apathy of Stars

by messymortal



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Headcanon, Louis-centric, M/M, Mentions of mental health problems, Nothing major though, Post-Break Up, Sad with a Happy Ending, basically a, but this is primarily sad, mentions of grief, mentions of parent death, theyre all famous and in the band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 19:58:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15154526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messymortal/pseuds/messymortal
Summary: “You know, we’re like stars. I’m here, you’re over there.” Louis said, pointing at two bright specks in the dark above them. “And between us is all this space that’s dark and empty and terrifying and anybody who’d try to enter it would die.”Harry’s reply came slowly and thoughtfully, like everything he said. “In that case, I think I’d die for you.”or: another canon-compliant getting-back-together thing, because i can't get these two out of my head





	The Apathy of Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this was a terrible mess and took me forever, but it's actually the longest thing I've ever written and I'm pretty fucking happy it's done. I know, 10k isn't a lot for most fic writers, but sue me, I'm proud.  
> A lot of this is sad, please don't hate me, but i swear it all gets better in the end.  
> if my sentences are weirdly long and complicated, i blame it on the fact that I'm german and the german language doesn't believe in the concept of ending a sentence.  
> (I had to google all of the weird space stuff and i don't know the first thing about astronomy, so please don't cite this in your scientific papers or whatever)

It was a bit too warm in here. Maybe it was his hoodie or the crowd of people dancing and sweating and pushing each other. The air felt stuffy and bad and the music was very loud. You’d think Louis would be used to loud noises after touring with band for years, literally surrounded by music and screams every day. Still, there were times when it could really bother him. Like right now. He hadn’t been feeling his best lately and really wasn’t in the mood to party. Or do anything besides hiding in his bed and looking at his wall, really. It was a very captivating wall, for sure. Didn’t mean he would ruin the mood for his wonderful, gorgeous, successful sister though.

Across the room Lottie was laughing loudly at something one of her friends said and Louis’ heart grew warm at the sight of her grin. She seemed genuinely content and happy tonight and he couldn’t wish her a better birthday. Their entire family was at the restaurant she rented, many of her friends, a few even back from high school. He let his eyes wander across the room full of smiling faces and tried to match his mood to the general air of gleeful celebration. Not for the first time that night he failed miserably and took a slow sip of his wine, hoping that maybe alcohol would make things easier. Never mind that that trick had never really worked for him in the past. But he didn’t want to get drunk tonight and he shouldn’t. Really, really shouldn’t. For a number of reasons. First off, there were strangers in the crowd, who were looking at a popstar instead of a person. Plus his younger sisters. Plus he was honestly getting a bit too old to drink a lot, his last hangovers had been killer. Not that he’d ever admit that. Secondly, across the room was a person he really didn’t want to meet drunk. Being around Harry was difficult enough in itself, combining that with alcohol was a recipe for disaster.

So he held back on the wine, carefully setting the glass down after every sip. Chasing the mixture of sweet and tangy on the edges of his teeth, his lips and the top of his palate, he looked around the room. In his humble opinion the wine wasn’t particularly great, a slight shudder running through his body each time the bitterness hit after a sip. Across from him, Phoebe and Daisy were sprawled across a couch, playing with their phones and keeping an eye on the younger twins running about. They looked comfortable and relaxed, at ease with each other at a party full of adults. Phoebe’s hand held a glass of champagne and Louis was reminded that they weren’t a long way from being adults themselves. His chest suddenly felt heavy in a way it hadn’t before. He had been feeling a bit out of it for the whole evening, week maybe, quite some time really, but looking at his family growing and thriving, he felt weighed down by a strange kind of sadness. Being away so much, he always felt like he was missing out on so much of his siblings’ lives. Seeing them grow up and become adults and independent people of their own simultaneously filled him with pride and a dense, unsettling melancholy.

Memories of loud dinners in a cramped kitchen and playing tag on the sidewalks, screaming the lyrics to some stupid pop song with Lottie in his first car, hiding in the little corner underneath the stairs when all the relatives made the house too overwhelming during the holidays, crying when his knees were scraped open from the asphalt or hitting his head, hard, on the cellar door; it all came rushing to him with a surprising intensity. It felt just like the wine, both sweet and tangy, filled with love and joy, but tainted by the longing for simpler times and the need for comfort that never really fades after childhood.

Louis could feel his eyes watering a bit and pressed his eyelids closed for a moment, trying to rid his chest of this heavy numbness, cursing himself for getting emotional so easily. His family always had this effect on him. Sometimes he wished he were kid again, but he supposed all adults did. He used to talk to his mum when he felt like that, or better still, had visited, spent time with her and let her hug him so tightly nothing but her body against his existed. God, he missed his mum.

Dealing with her death, scrambling to put his world back together, had probably the hardest thing in his life. It had taken a lot of time for Louis to feel even remotely okay after that. It had taken a lot of time to be able to breathe or clean or cook again without feeling physical pain from her absence. Seeing his siblings seemed impossible for a while. Though time heals all wounds, as they say. Louis didn’t consider himself “healed” and he didn’t think he ever would, but somehow he managed to go on. To keep living and breathing and cleaning and cooking. And if he sometimes broke down in the grocery store when he saw her favorite biscuits or when the food didn’t taste quite right without her recipe or at a fucking birthday party just because he looked at his siblings, no one really had to know.

The tears were well on their way now and he knew soon he wouldn’t be able to stop them, but this was Lottie`s party, her birthday for god’s sake, and he wouldn’t ruin it and make it sad and awkward for the guests, he refused to do that. His eyes were quickly searching around for an exit and spotted a broad glass door leading to the small balcony. Hastily, he got up and made his way through the cluster of tables full of people chatting aimlessly and along the group of girls dancing and laughing at each other. Between the death of his mother, a secret relationship and the pressure of being an international celebrity, he’d had his fair share of toilet cries. Louis knew how to fall apart and piece himself back together in minutes, he’d had plenty of practice in luxury hotels, empty dressing rooms, the back of the tour bus and bathrooms of fie star restaurants. He did his best to avoid eye contact with anyone. Hiding his tears as best as he could, Louis trained his gaze on the balcony doors. From the corner of his eye he barely registered a tall figure leaning against the wall, talking to somebody, and for a brief moment their eyes met despite his best efforts not to. Harry looked at him and Louis felt like he was about to choke on the spot. Something was wrong in his throat, the air wasn’t reaching his lungs, his tongue went numb and his front teeth tasted faintly of iron. Harry looked like he was searching for something, expecting something from Louis, but all Louis had been doing for years was disappointing people, so he rushed towards the balcony without further acknowledging Harry. Leaving was what he did best after all. Also, he was about to burst into tears at a fucking birthday party.

Immediately, everything felt a bit more okay as he stepped outside. The night was pleasantly cool, but not bitingly so and the balcony looked out onto a small alley between the high buildings of the city. It was dark and empty and calm and almost silent, safe for the muffled sounds of the party and the cars on the main road. Louis inhaled deeply through his nose, exhaling through the mouth, trying to ease the tightness in his ribcage, but he had already started crying. He sniffled quietly and wiped his face with his sleeve. His eyes were hidden in his palms as he leant against the rail of the balcony.

Images of his mother - bright-faced and joyful, laughing widely, beaming at him, full of pride, running fingers through his hair, worried, blinking away tears, mourning, stern, with furrowed brows, exhausted, grateful, embarrassed, blushing, teasing him and loving him, always loving him – were swirling around him. Louis was sobbing. He could admit, he got a bit lost in his tears. The melancholy feeling and the sadness and the pain of losing his mother were real and there, they hurt and were the reason he was crying in the first place. But lots of things in this world hurt and there are infinite reason to cry and keep crying once you start. It had always been like this, once he found himself in a situation to cry in, he couldn’t stop. So his thoughts had drifted from his mother and his family to his life in general, his career, the pressure and the stress, the fake friends and the real ones and maybe a bit to Harry.

Louis was trying his best to recall random facts about space from all the documentaries he had been watching lately to calm himself down, but he couldn’t quite stop thinking about green eyes that still trapped him every time they met. Lottie had invited all of the boys, but only Harry turned out to actually be in London and free that night. And so he came and his sisters were so happy to see him. Louis wasn’t bothered, used to it at some point, knowing he couldn’t blame his family for wanting to have both Louis and Harry around even after they stopped being _LouisAndHarry_. He had no reason to be angry with any of them for that, he knew better than anyone how hard it was to let Harry go. And they actually managed to avoid the awkwardness for the most part. It was a far cry from their intimate bond before, but in the cheerful atmosphere of the Tomlinson family parties, pleasant conversation flowed easily, even when Louis was sick to his stomach just from the way Harry smelled or laughed or picked up the fork. They managed.

The door to the balcony slid open and a deep voice softly called out to him. “Lou?” Louis didn’t move, hiding his face in his palms and attempting to deliberately slow his heart beat, as Harry approached him carefully. He felt the other body beside him, close enough to sense, yet leaving an appropriate amount of distance to avoid accidental touch. “Are you okay? I mean, you obviously aren’t, but can I help you somehow? Well, you probably don’t really want me here, but I can bring Lottie or Fizzy or someone?” Harry stopped his rambling, letting his words hang in the air, insecurity and worry obvious in his tone. Louis took another breath and tried to steady himself a bit. He consciously thought about the ground beneath his feet and the metal under his elbows, the air in his lungs. Then he looked up at Harry. Harry, who was fiddling with the rings on his left hand and looking at him with such sincere worry that Louis could almost fall to pieces all over again and suddenly he wasn’t quite sure if they would manage it tonight. How they ever did. Instead he looked up at the sky to escape the overwhelming flood of emotions connected to the other man. “No, I’m not okay, but I’ll be fine. And no, I don’t want you to tell Fizzy and definitely don’t tell Lottie on her fucking birthday. And…” he swallowed and tried not to be nervous. It was ridiculous to be nervous, if there was one person in the world he could be honest with, it was Harry, even after everything, always.

“I think, I’d actually like to have you here for a bit, if that’s okay.” A hesitant hand wrapped gently around his forearm and Harry nodded. “Of course it’s okay, Louis.” His voice was warm and soft like a cloud of comfort and Louis allowed himself to get lost in the familiarity of the moment. For a second, he let himself be enveloped in the warmth and kindness Harry gave to everyone he met and basked in the light he used to feel every day. But they knew each other inside and out and without opening his eyes Louis could feel the question directed at him in the quiet. “It’s just... sometimes I look at them, at my sisters, I mean, and it just hits me that Mum isn’t here. And that she should be, fuck, she should.” He willed the tears away again and swallowed down a sob. “You know how I was back then and I know, it’s a long time ago and it should not hurt that much anymore and most of the time it doesn’t, but sometimes… Sometimes I miss her so much, it physically hurts. It hurts everywhere, Harry.” A shaky breath escaped his throat and Louis forced his brain to think about supernovas and the magellanic cloud and red giants instead of Harry, who was next to him or his Mum, who wasn’t.

Strong arms pulled him into a hug, pressed him to a body as familiar as his own and he had missed this as well, so much. The air in his nose, the soft cloth against his cheek, the heat radiating from a broad chest and the steady beating of another heart next to his. The way the sounds and the lights and the breeze all dulled and blurred around him until everything was Harry, harry, harry. They slowly disentangled themselves again, each tracing along the edge of himself, trying to figure out where one ended and the other began. Even now, they melted into one so easily, so effortlessly. Louis suddenly felt guilty for letting something as natural and as intimate as that go. But there was a whole world for them outside this balcony, beyond the safety of darkness and a couple million fans watching their every move on top of that. There was enough scrutiny, pressure, demands on them to last several lifetimes and maybe things just couldn’t always work out like they do in those ridiculous rom-coms Harry liked so much.

Louis sighed, took a few steps away from Harry and finally slid down the wall to sit on the stone floor. Next to him, Harry silently followed. The night sky was a dark blue, nearly black, faintly illuminated by the street lights in an orange glow. Stars were sparse above the city. Light pollution, without it you’d see 2000, maybe 2500 stars, Louis’ brain helpfully supplied. His chest felt lighter now, his ribs less constricting after crying, but the underlying sadness lingered. It had been there for a while, had had enough time to set, find places to hide and creep into the small corners of his body, the twists in his stomach and the edges of his fingernails. It had settled down on the empty space in his bed that grew cold every night and the small pauses in his singing when nobody picked up the harmony. Louis was used to it in a way, but that didn’t make it easier.

Next to him, there was Harry, solid and full of warmth, his fingers making tiny movements on the floor. He seemed restless, he was probably uncomfortable being alone with Louis. The silence was threatening to become awkward, his voice hoarse from crying and almost timid in the surrounding quiet. “Thank you, H.” Louis dared to look at him for the first time in a while and his tongue felt heavy and numb again. Harry was staring up into the night, his hair falling messily along the sides of his face. His eyes were rimmed with red and Louis thought about the little bit of wetness he felt against his shoulder in their hug. Jay had been Harry’s family as much as Anne and Louis knew how much her death got to him. He was around, back then, there was no doubt how Harry felt about her. Louis would probably feel the same if something happened to Anne. “I know that you love her as much as I do and she loved you as well.” Louis tried to be comforting and calm instead of the emotional mess he was minutes ago, despite feeling his inner organs slowly imploding. A deep, dark hole gathered in the middle of his stomach right underneath his lungs. Harry kept his gaze fixed into empty air and nodded. They sat there for a minute and pretended Louis couldn’t hear how shaky Harry’s breathing was.

For a moment, there was nothing, except the light spilling out through the door onto the stone of the balcony. There were cars chasing through the night on the main road and a couple of drunk tourists shouting. There were the sounds of the party inside, the droning bass and all the laughter. There were two men beside each other on the ground, caught somewhere between intimacy and distance. There was nothing, really. “Why did you let me stay?” Harry whispered and Louis almost laughed. As if Harry wasn’t fully aware of how much Louis needed him, depended on him, even now. As if he didn’t understand how there was only one person in the world who knew Louis this well. As if he hadn’t been there when they had built a bond so strong, they couldn’t destroy it even when they tried. There wasn’t a universe in which Louis would not want Harry by his side. Except there was and they were living in it.

Louis shook his head and didn’t answer. For a second, he was tempted to dismiss the conversation altogether, get up and leave or change the topic to something blissfully irrelevant. Something that didn’t make him feel like puking his guts out. But he barely saw Harry. And he barely spoke to him. And he never spoke to him in private, probably hadn’t at all since they ended it. It was the easy road and Louis had taken advantage of it for 15 months. Maybe it was time to look for a new way. Maybe it was time to be open and honest for once.

Louis took a deep breath and concentrated on the feeling of air rushing through his nose and lungs. He yearned for a cigarette, just to have something to do, to distract himself. He didn’t have one with him and so he tried his earlier tactic of thinking about space to slow down his racing mind. The sky was endlessly wide and higher than they could ever touch. 60,000 miles are observable as exosphere, but asking for the height of the sky was a bit of a futile question. There was a whole universe out there, bigger and more magnificent than anyone could imagine. And maybe honesty and emotions were scary, maybe he would get hurt today, but the stars would still shine tomorrow, about 12 in London and roughly 2000 up in the country side, and the universe would not have stirred even a millimeter in its ancient sleep.

“You know, we’re like stars. I’m here, you’re over there.” Louis said, pointing at two bright specks in the dark above them. “And between us is all this space that’s dark and empty and terrifying and anybody who’d try to enter it would die.” It probably was too heavy a conversation starter, way too loaded and emotional for the first real private talk between them since… He almost regretted saying it right after, yet a part of him knew it had to be done. There were questions and worries and potential answers and so much hurt between them. They needed to let that out somewhere. Louis felt a bit nauseous just thinking about the possible consequences the conversation he initiated would have. He swallowed hard and waited for a response.

Harry’s reply came slowly and thoughtfully, like everything he said. “In that case, I think I’d die for you.” Louis had absolutely no idea what that was supposed to mean. He forced out the first thing that came to mind, hoping it would at least be a sentence. “I don’t want you to.” Harry swallowed, looked away and asked tentatively: “So, you think we should keep the distance?” There was a hint of disappointment in his tone and in that moment Louis was pretty sure he could feel the world rotating beneath them at 1675 km/h. In theory, he understood what Harry was trying to say. Realistically, he had no idea what that meant. Louis let his arm fall down unto his knees and turned to Harry. “I don’t fucking know what we should do. I don’t know what we should do about any of this.” Louis’ eyes were roaming over Harry’s face, mapping out the familiar shapes and the small differences since the last time he allowed himself to look at him and actually see. He was beautiful as ever, but that was nothing new. Louis wished he could watch and touch and kiss that face forever, but that again was nothing new. New were the way his short hair fell into his face and curled around his ears. New were the tiny wrinkles around his eyes and in the place between his eyebrows. Louis hoped they were from laughing not worrying. He tore his gaze away towards the balcony and added quietly: “I don’t know. Sometimes I think, maybe it would be easier to leave it like this. Maybe we shouldn’t to make things more difficult and messy and complicated than they already are.” He let out a heavy sigh. Harry wanted to speak, but Louis continued quickly. “But this doesn’t feel easy, actually. This, what we’re doing right now, what we’ve been doing the last 15 months is the opposite of easy and it hurts like shit and I don’t think I can take it much longer.”

Another sigh, a deep breath. A quick glance down at trembling hands between bony knees. Harry was shivering and something deep inside him tugged uncomfortably. “I don’t know how to fix this.” He confessed. Louis nodded, because none of them did. Neither of them had any idea how to make this okay or alright or good, that’s why they got here in the first place. Louis nodded again mutely, staring intently at his clasped hands. Watching Harry from afar was a strange experience after spending countless intimate moments with him, but finding himself in such an intimate moment again now was almost surreal. 15 months ago, he had known Harry better than himself. That wasn’t enough time for them to become complete strangers, just a far cry from anything they used to be. Louis hadn’t had any part of the last year of Harry’s life, hadn’t had a single clue when he felt best or worst, what made him smile or yell, what things shaped the Harry now sat next to him.

“There are about 150 million kilometers between the earth and the sun and no one can really comprehend that. It’s so far, you know? Numbers like this are unimaginable. But when I talk to you or sit with you or look at you, I think I know exactly what that distance feels like.” Louis slowly breathed out and stared into the night sky. His heart was beating loudly in his own ears, this was a lot harder than expected. He snorted awkwardly, messed with his hair, looked down at his hands. “I talk some fucking shit sometimes, sorry.” Beside him, Harry didn’t move a muscle. He was watching Louis like he was frozen and Louis couldn’t make out if the next sentence would break him or not. “You don’t have to be sorry.” Harry managed. Louis breathed in, relieved. This didn’t break him. Harry breathed in as well, gathering up courage. None of them would be getting out of this in one piece.

“I used to call you _my sun._ ” This, this broke him. Louis had been anxious before, but he hadn’t expected something like this right now, hadn’t expected this at all. His brain was filled with a blinding light and it felt a lot like he was slipping away. “You did.” Louis said, somehow. “Remember that one day on tour, a couple years back? When the boys, I think it was Liam, were teasing me about that? And I said” Louis was nodding along to his recollection and Harry had to take a second before he actually said it, before he managed to. “ _He may be my sun but I know I’m his world._ ” Somehow, that single sentence exhausted them. All of the energy that had been building just seconds earlier drained like outgoing tide. Louis sighed lowly, his eyes were closed, his face half-hidden behind his hands. He might have been sobbing. Maybe they were both sobbing. “And you are Louis, you really are and you always have been.” Harry’s voice was straining with held back tears and Louis realized that both of their hands were shaking. One of his hands was helplessly reaching out for Louis’ shoulder and when he touched the soft material of the jumper Louis could feel the trembling of his fingers through the fabric. In the darkness behind his eyelids, Louis thought of galaxies melting together, stars imploding and an endless universe expanding. He couldn’t breathe, didn’t think he could do anything else ever again besides sitting on the cold stone floor and listen to Harry trying to mend his broken heart, their broken hearts.

“I miss you. I miss you so much, every day, everything. I miss how you smile at my sister, how you roll your eyes at my jokes but still look at me like I’m the best person you know, how you look when you’re above me, sweaty and blissed out, how you press into my side when you don’t want to get up, like you could disappear inside my skin, how your voice sounds when you’re worried and then when you turn to me and I know this person would never hurt me.” Harry was breathing heavily, looking at Louis. He was searching, longing, yearning. Looking for anything that would make this easier or more bearable or less of an unpredictable mess. He was desperate. Louis was too, but more than reassurance, he needed to be honest.

“But I did. I did, Harry.” Louis said. He was leaning hesitantly into Harry’s hand on his shoulder, bringing their bodies closer together, somewhere between calming and insecure. “I hurt you. And you hurt me, we hurt each other.” Their eyes met for a second and then they both had to look down, look at their hands, restless fingers instead of the raw pain, the bleeding soul in each other’s eyes. Harry took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. “You broke my heart and it hurt like hell.” He let out. Louis nodded. “And you broke mine, guess we’re even.” A humorless chuckle left Louis’ mouth but he still didn’t dare to take his eyes from his hands on the cold ground.

It was silent out on the balcony, the guests inside still laughing and dancing in celebration. Harry sat staring at his own hands. The air between them felt fragile, like a thin piece of ice on a puddle in the early days of winter. If they said one more thing it would snap. There was nothing left to share. They were hurt and in love and they had a million problems to face. This wouldn’t fix anything. Louis inhaled deeply and tried to fill every inch of his lungs with a gentle breeze. Harry’s hand had dropped from his shoulder back into his lap and a soft kind of cold spread throughout Louis’ body. He knew he could function independently, had done so the last 15 months, but that didn’t mean it was good that way. Maybe he didn’t need Harry in his life, but he wanted him. And that was the realization that took him so many sleepless nights full of tear stained pillows, anxiety attacks and calming space documentaries to figure out. It seemed inevitable by now. The galaxy Andromeda would collide into our galaxy within the next 5 billion years and there’s nothing anyone could do about it. Harry and Louis didn’t stop hurting and comforting and loving each other and they couldn’t change it even if they try. It sounded like he should hate it, but even that seemed impossible.

Next to him, Harry was becoming a bit restless, playing with his fingers and shuffling his feet on the ground. Louis turned to him in question. Harry looked a bit sheepish at being caught yet pushed forward to ask: “Do you maybe want to go on a walk or something? I think I need to, like, move and the streets are nearly empty by now and we can totally walk in the small alleys so no one will see us…” He trailed off and watched his twirling fingers again. Louis just nodded and got up, trying not to think about why they would need to only use the small streets or could only do this at night. What it meant for them, what it did to them. He scrunched his eyes shut and forced away the thought of the repercussions of them being seen together. They weren’t free and they likely never would be, he knew that now. He just wished he’d had known before, when he had been tripping over himself to sign a contract that would make him rich and famous, when he had sold his life to some company for the chance of success, before he had fallen deeply in love with a boy he couldn’t even sit next to in public.

The smart move probably would have been to just slip out of the party as quickly as possible, but they both saw Louis’ siblings far too rarely to leave without a goodbye. So Louis let Harry make his round first and slowly made his way to each of his sisters and Ernest, deliberately putting as much space between him and Harry as possible. They weren’t leaving together, not like that, and his sisters would get all the wrong ideas if they noticed. Judging from the look on Fizzy’s face when he turned to leave, they had been a lot more conspicuous than intended.

When Louis got out of the elevator, Harry was waiting for him. He gave him a soft smile and together they stepped out onto the street, taking a left into a smaller road with a lot less potential for tourists or club goers. The intense topics from earlier were suspended for a bit as they chatted idly about each of Louis’ sisters, how they were doing and any interesting pieces of family gossip. Having a bunch of sisters who were just discovering boys, partying, university or, in Lottie’s case, the wide world of business and serious relationships, left Louis with a lot of little stories to share and the change of topic lightened the mood considerably. It was almost like no time had passed, it felt so familiar to laugh and complain about his sisters with Harry. His presence seemed startlingly normal after talking for so long, though the traces of their emotions still lingered around them like a fog. With time their conversation dulled and they fell into a kind of companionable silence, much less uncomfortable than the one back on the balcony. Louis knew there remained a lot of things that needed to be said and he knew he needed to say them tonight. He probably wouldn’t get a chance like this again. An infinite number of chances may be out there for him in the multiverse, but he was right here, right now and he’d rather just use the one he had been given.

“Harry?” Their eyes met for a second. “Yeah?” Louis let his gaze slip on the pavement again. He was trying his best to be brave and honest tonight, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t anxious while doing it. “How were you doing ever since... you know? Like, I said that thing about distance earlier and I really meant that. I… I was part of your life for so long, practically connected to everything you did and then I just… wasn’t anymore. And it feels so weird to see that you’ve got over a year worth of stuff that I know nothing about.” His eyes flicked to Harry, who was smiling, and the empty coldness of his anxiety melted away. “I get that, Lou, I feel the same.” Harry turned to look ahead again, big hands slowly waving through the air in front of his chest. God, Louis missed these hands. On his cheek when they kissed, his thighs when they fucked, his hip when they were in public, quickly. These hands around his own when they were walking backstage. Having to slip out of the grip each time someone without a NDA would see. Louis blinked and focused on what Harry was saying. “We were so attached by the hip, I barely did anything without you. I mean, whenever we could we would be together, right?” “Except in public.” Louis interrupted. He knew that he sounded bitter, because he was. He was mad and pissed off and he had been for years. It wasn’t Harry’s fault and it wasn’t his own or the fans’ fault, they couldn’t blame anyone really. Maybe management, but then again, they signed these contracts. Harry knew Louis’ anger about this wasn’t directed at him, wasn’t directed at anybody in particular, so he nodded and carried on. “Except in public. But even then we were around each other most of the time. And then the band broke up and then we broke up and suddenly you weren’t anywhere in my life when you used to be everything.”

Louis shook his head in understanding and Harry went on about his life lately. About how the press rounds for Dunkirk and the album went, how he was so jetlagged he fell asleep standing on his roof that one time, how he was trying to improve his yoga but never found the time, how the first show alone was bittersweet and how he curled in his bed afterwards reading through their old group chat and maybe, maybe even watching some fan videos. He talked about the big things and the small things, finally being on the road again, new movies that made him cry, a concert that had him dancing all night, that book Louis would like. Louis just kept walking, soaking in every bit of information he could get, deprived of most things Harry related for the last year or so. It felt a bit like healing to finally get that again. Like he was allowed a part of Harry again and he was taking everything he could. If Harry was a star, Louis was a planet on a lonely orbit around him, desperately trying to catch some of his endless light. Louis knew that Harry and a lot of his fans thought of him as the sun, but looking at Harry smiling in the warm orange glow of the street light, he had his own theory about who would be deserving of that title.

The small streets they used were practically deserted at that time of night. A crisp kind of darkness enveloping the city, broken only by the warm orange glow the street lights were casting onto the pavement every couple meters. In the spaces between the narrow houses with tiny porches, the moment felt private and secluded. They were moving along in a bubble of hushed voices and bad eyesight in the dark. When he looked up Louis could barely make out the silhouettes of different chimneys in front of the moon that was half hidden behind the rooftops. Surrounded by Harry’s voice and Harry’s smell and Harry’s occasional shoulder bumps, he felt more relaxed than he had in a long time. Over the years all the fancy events, movie premieres, album releases, had become nothing more than a necessary evil. Instead going out without any specific event, just being out in public, had begun to make him increasingly anxious. Fame had done a lot of good for him, for his family, for the charities he helped, for the fans who thanked him so much, when he owed them everything. It had also had taken things from him; privacy, freedom, being young and carefree, being older and so in love. Things had taken their toll on all of them in the band, had left none of them feeling entirely fine.

Hidden away in the empty streets of the London night, talking to the person that knew him best and he trusted most, Louis could feel the pent up stress fading away with every step he took. He listened attentively to everything Harry was saying, throwing in appropriate questions or comments sometimes. “So, why exactly are you in London right now? Except to spoil my sister with expensive present and watch me cry?” Louis said dryly and the smile they send each other was warmer than expected for the joke. “I had meetings with the label and studio people and all that stuff and when Lottie texted me the invite I just accepted. Definitely beats a night alone in my hotel room and I love her, so…” Louis nodded as they kept walking.

While Lottie had invited all of the boys, Harry had always been especially close with his sisters. Unsurprisingly, considering they had spent holidays and birthdays and any free time they had together for years. With Louis being so closely tied to his siblings, it had been pretty much inevitable for Harry to basically become part of the family. (Louis refused to think of the marriage plans their mothers had made for them to truly become one family.) “I know you do. I miss Gemma nearly as much as I missed you.” Harry pushed him with his shoulder, so Louis stumbled. Laughing, he added. “More than I missed you, honestly.” He received an exaggerated pout from Harry that was made considerably less convincing by his amused look and the wide smile he failed to suppress. They fell back into step with each other and made their way down the side walk in momentary silence. Suddenly, Louis’ brain hinged on something Harry had said.

“Wait. You’re in a hotel?” Harry turned to him, a confused furrow between his brows. “Yeah, because I sold the apartment back when, you know…” Back when they were together and it seemed like they would be for the rest of their lives. Even though management had practically forced them to live separately and for a while they actually had. Of course, they still had spent every waking moment together and when no one really paid attention it was easy to just move back in together. There were a few discussions about who would have to sell and actually move, because their money had allowed both of them spacious and beautiful living arrangements. In the end Louis’ apartment had the nicer view, an excellent panorama of the river Thames, the London Eye somewhere in the distance. Harry had sold the apartment he didn’t need and they filled Louis’ space with new things to make it their space. That had been three years ago though. Then, 15 months ago, there hadn’t been a them anymore and Harry had just picked up his clothes someday when Louis was out of the country. He had put his key in the bowl by the door and had left.

“You never got a new apartment here?” Louis asked full of obvious disbelief. Harry loved the city, maybe even more than he did and he used to say that he would want to stay in London forever if they didn’t have to travel that much. When they went on break that was pretty much exactly what Louis had done and while he never saw Harry around, he somehow assumed he’d be doing the same. Harry had seemingly caught on to his train of thought and looked a bit bashful. He shrugged and moved his hands in vague circles through the air while talking. “Yeah, I don’t know, I did the movie and spend so much time in Jamaica and then L.A. and New York and all the press stuff and the touring… I just never got around to it, never stayed in London for long.” He paused but Louis could sense that there was something left he wanted to say. Harry turned and looked Louis in the eye to admit: “Really, I didn’t really want to get a new one. For a while it was kind of hard for me to stay in London for long, because…” He looked away again for a quick second and inhaled deeply. “Because London doesn’t feel the same without you.”

Louis had no idea what was happening right now. He rubbed his eyes and tried to blink away the tiny flecks of white he saw, like stars in some far away galaxy. Bright pin pricks against the darkness, a new part of the universe that he just created, somewhere he would feel safe and content and not like he was about to die from overwhelming emotions any second. Somehow his immediate reaction to Harry’s confession of sorts (really they had been exchanging things like that all night, Louis should have calmed down by now) was the desire to sing to him. The words were already on the tip of his tongue, practically begging to jump out. Luckily, a part of him hadn’t complete lost its grip of reality yet and reminded Louis that they had broken up over a year ago and were having their first real conversation about that just tonight and it really wasn’t the moment to be overly presumptuous or clingy. Even if Louis probably was just that. This evening was going well though and he didn’t want to ruin this by being too heavy handed and making Harry uncomfortable. So he bit his tongue and forced himself not to sing. Then, Harry did it for him. “ _You make this feel like hooome._ ” He sang softly into the dark sky and turned to face Louis with a fond expression.

Louis felt like dying. Images of his own private galaxy colliding with reality blurred around him. Stars were being catapulted out of their constellations, a black hole sucked in everything in reach, worlds were dying and being built right that second. Louis could do nothing but stand still on the pavement. His ribcage suddenly felt too tight and something deep in his chest emitted a soft pain. He couldn’t do this anymore. Right there and then, barely a step away from Harry, on a public sidewalk, Louis Tomlinson started crying for the second time that night.

Harry’s strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him close to the other man’s chest, one hand softly stroking the hair at the back of his head. His jumper was soft and smelled like cologne and like Harry had always smelled and Louis couldn’t get enough of it. He melted into the embrace. Everything felt warm and safe. He’d be fine in these arms, he was home in these arms. Feelings, thoughts, tears and words upon words were welling up in him until he couldn’t contain them anymore. Maybe he would make this uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe he would ruin their tentative attempts at reconciliation by being too emotional, too blunt, too desperate. Too much too soon. But tonight was about being honest with each other and Louis wanted to be honest with Harry, the person he trusted the most, the person that deserved his honesty the most, the person he felt most about. Telling the truth was hard and scary, but Louis had nothing left except a heart full of feelings waiting to be shared. It would probably overwhelm Harry, but fuck, Louis was overwhelmed too, he was the one who had to feel all that shit.

Pathetic as it was, Louis still loved Harry, every bit of him, loved each tiny part to pieces, loved the shit out of him. And some days he suspected that a tiny bit of that might still be reciprocated. But Harry was Harry, beautiful, talented, kind to everyone he met and it was hard to believe that Louis would get that level of wonderful. Harry could have anyone and 15 months were more than enough time to get over someone. Except when you were Louis Tomlinson apparently.

“Harry, I… fuck- Haz, I don’t know how I ever did it without you. Right now, I don’t know how or why I ever did this without you. We probably had a pretty good reason at the time, it must have been really fucking, very good, because I can’t imagine anything that would make me want to give this up right now. You’re everything, H. We practically haven’t spoken in over a year, but I’d still give up everything for you, I’d still trust you with my life, I…. I don’t know why all this shit happened between us, but I don’t want it to happen ever again. My feelings for you never really went, I just pushed them to the back of my mind to function as usual, but fuck, Harry, I sing for you and I write for you and I can’t sleep because of you. Whenever I see something cool or interesting or touching I think of you, I want to talk about it with you, and shit, I want to share my life with you, Harry. And I never really stopped wanting that.”

It felt like something heavy was finally dislodged inside of him, like he could finally take his first free breath of the night, the last fifteen months. Harry was quiet next to him, slowly releasing him from the tight hug, but Louis was too relieved to panic. All his worry had faded away into the pale light of the streetlamps and the empty alleyways. The calm that enveloped him after his confession was soft and steady, a bird gliding with the wind, an old stone bridge across a wide stream. He thought of the moon rotating eternally through space, full of hidden power and deep silence and focused on the night around him instead of on Harry, who still hadn’t said a word. Another slow inhale.

“Louis, I wrote a whole damn album about you, for you. I almost called you when it was finished to ask for your opinion, almost called again when it was released, already had the phone in my hand without registering after the first show of the tour. At some point I just stopped keeping my phone in my dressing room, because I was scared I’d call you without thinking, high on adrenaline and longing for you. I never stopped wanting to share my life with you either, really, I think I want to even more now.” Harry turned to him and his expression was almost wild. His green eyes were wet with tears and his nose was beginning to run a bit and his mouth was left open. Harry was completely overcome with emotion and Louis had never seen anything more beautiful.

Maybe it had been just one too many space documentaries or sleepless nights or daydreams about Harry for Louis, but he could actually see the stars in Harry’s eyes. There were comets and red giants and planets full of foreign species who were hurt and insecure and in love like them. If he was the sun and Harry looked like this, their touch would be a stellar collision. He found a galaxy of swirling lights in the endless green and the dark lashes and the soft way they spelled love for him. Harry was an entire universe and Louis had never wanted to kiss galaxies more than now. And so he did.

Harry was soft and pliant against him, their kiss a curious combination of being both familiar and tentative. It was just like tonight’s encounter between them, cautious and shy at the beginning, full of insecurity and repressed emotions, but it quickly deepened. It became passionate and reckless and took Louis’ breath away. They slowly moved apart and just looked at each other for a moment.

“That was okay, right?” Judging from the way Harry had kissed him back, it had been more than alright, but Louis wanted to be sure with this, absolutely sure. They had fucked it up once, he wasn’t going to let that happen again. Harry just nodded enthusiastically, a bit breathless. All Louis could do was to nod dumbly back at him for a moment, until his brain kicked back in. As much as he wished they could, they really shouldn’t be seen like this by anybody. The public shouldn’t even know they were spending time together, much less trading love confessions and making out in the middle of the street. He quickly started walking towards his flat, reaching out his hand to pull Harry along with him. Harry seemed a bit confused, but happily linked his fingers with Louis’. His bigger hand was something so miniscule Louis had missed about him and when he looked down at where he knew their tattoos where lining up beneath their sleeves he couldn’t help but smile. The rest of the walk to his flat was spent in a comfortable quiet, both content to hold hands and sneak glances at each other’s smiling faces every couple steps. They were both too happy and relieved to say anything else for the moment.

When he unlocked the door to his apartment complex Louis suddenly remembered how much of a pathetic mess his flat was and for a second his brain almost panicked enough to pull him out of his haze of contentment. Then he reminded himself that he was with Harry, who had endured all his messes for years and still was back here with him, _who was back here with him_ , and he just smiled and entered the house. They leaned against the back wall of the empty elevator while going up, rolling their heads to face each other. Harry looked tired but still gave him a dopey smile and Louis could feel a wide grin spread on his own face. If they looked like lovesick fools right now, it was because they totally were.

Harry seemed almost awestruck looking at the apartment for the first time in years. Louis watched him walk slowly through the familiar rooms, inspecting each new item and reorganized shelf. Maybe he was looking for traces of himself, of them. They used to spend a lot of time here together and in his attempts to make himself feel better after it all went to hell, Louis redecorated most of it. At some point he just hadn’t had enough energy left to sit alone at the table Harry had fucked him against or the chairs they had painted together or the teapot Anne had gifted them on her first visit. So he went and donated most of it, only keeping the really beautiful pieces, taking down all the pictures of them or of just Harry or the ones Harry had taken of him. Now the apartment was only his, but a tiny little part of Louis was finally allowing himself again to hope that maybe it would be shared again soon. They should really see how they work together now. If they even still worked together, even though Louis had no doubts they would. After all they always had.

He let Harry snoop around for a bit longer and went to make tea. He waited until the water was boiling and pulled out two cups when a strong pair of arms looped around his waist from behind. Harry rested his head on his shoulder while Louis prepared the tea for both of them and Louis thought maybe he had fallen into a wormhole and travelled back in time somehow. It was exactly what they always used to do and to think that it was happening again after everything felt a bit surreal to him. “I really fucking missed you, Haz.” Louis said as he handed Harry his cup of tea. Harry nodded earnestly and looked down for a beat. He took a sip of the tea that was still way too hot and fresh to be drinkable. Then he glanced up at Louis again.

“We’re trying again, right? Like, we give this, us, another shot? Because, I get if you’re scared or something, but… I really want this, I really, really want this and I won’t, I can’t do this halfway. I can’t do friends with benefits or some shit like that and honestly, I don’t even want to be just friends, because I honestly don’t think either of us would cope very well with that. We can totally take this slow and don’t rush into anything major, we have a lot to figure out, but I need this to be a real committed relationship and I need this to be exclusive and if you’re not ready or…” Harry’s eyebrows scrunched together in a way that looked almost painful. “Or if you have somebody else, then I can’t do this, sorry.” He had stated his point clearly and firmly but was now looking down again as if he couldn’t bear the answer.

Louis almost wanted to laugh at the idea of him wanting anything else than what Harry just proposed. He laid a reassuring hand on Harry’s shoulder and looked him in the eye. “Harry, do you seriously believe I have anyone else? And I know we have stuff to work through and things to sort out so that we don’t end up like this again, especially since we both have our own schedules now. But I am absolutely sure of this. I want a relationship with you, an exclusive, committed relationship with only you, because the last fifteen months were really fucking hard for me and the years before that weren’t always easy, but infinitely better with you by my side.” Harry’s smile was so vulnerable and soft, Louis could feel his heart melting. He slowly carded his fingers through Harry’s curls and pulled him closer to whisper into the crook of his neck. “We’re trying again, Haz. I’ll always try for you.”

They both set down their tea cups and tightened their hug, swaying a bit in the embrace and just breathing in the other person for a while. Louis could feel his entire being slowly calm down and relax into Harry. The warmth of the other body streamed into his own, awakening all his nerve ends, letting the tension out of his muscles, settling deep into his bones. He felt nothing but content. “Come on, let’s get to bed.” Louis whispered and pushed Harry gently towards his bedroom. The look he received in return was surprised yet hopeful. “Are you sure? I don’t want to move too fast or make you uncomfortable or something… I can go now, if you want, no problem.” Louis should have probably thought about that, but it had just felt so natural for Harry to stay. He took a moment to consider it. Maybe it was moving too fast. They were just finding back to each other tonight after being apart for so long. Perhaps wanting to sleep next to Harry already was desperate and pathetic. “If you feel like this is too much, I understand and you can leave or sleep in the guest room or something. But I’ve missed you like crazy and this bed gets really cold alone and I really fucking want to fall sleep in your arms again.” Louis quickly averted his gaze, suddenly a bit ashamed at the omission. When he looked up Harry was smiling and stepped closer. “You’re wonderful and I want to fall sleep next to you, too.”

Harry kissed him lightly on the cheek, smiling so wide his dimples popped and Louis couldn’t help but return it. He tried his very best not to flush just from the press of Harry’s lips against his skin. They were really soft. And lovely. He picked up their teacups and placed them down onto his nightstand, while Harry slowly took of his shoes and jeans. Louis followed suit until they were both only in t-shirt and boxers. Harry was undeniably beautiful even with red-rimmed eyes from too much crying and too little sleep and rumpled hair, but there was nothing sexual about the moment. It was an act of emotional intimacy that they hadn’t shared for so long and he hadn’t experienced like this with anyone else. He didn’t feel like this for anyone else. Never had. A deep, steady kind of happiness came over Louis and for a second he just felt grateful for everything that had happened that night. He looked at Harry and he knew they had tons of shit to figure out. There was a world and a busy life for both of them after tonight. It could break them, it had before. But they had learned from that, learned how outside pressure could strain very intimate relationships and how much it fucking hurt to let go of this. Now they had to learn ways to cope with stress together. They were a team, all they needed was a bit of practice.

Louis smiled again and Harry tilted his head and asked: “Why are you looking at me like that?” Louis shrugged. “Nothing, just happy.” Harry’s entire face lit up at the words and he looked fondly at Louis. “Yeah, me too.” He whispered softly. Louis could feel his eyes crinkling with how wide he was smiling and turned around towards the bathroom. “Come here, I’ll find you a toothbrush.” The amount of soppy smiles and adoring looks that were exchanged while they were brushing their teeth was honestly a bit sickening. Louis was wondering a bit if he fell for this boy again this quickly or if he just never stopped feeling about him like that. When they laid down in bed it felt like it always did. Like they had never stopped doing this.

It was almost reflex to crawl over to Harry and rest his head on Harry’s chest. Cuddling came as second nature to them, their bodies fitting together effortlessly even through puberty and growth spurts, weight gain and weight loss and added muscle mass. Harry tightened the arm around his shoulders and pulled Louis in. He could feel Harry breathing and if he listened carefully he could even hear his heartbeat that was slowly lulling him to sleep. It definitely wasn’t a new feeling, hadn’t been new since seven years ago. Tonight was different to any other time though. They were testing waters they had once known, unsure of what was waiting below. Louis felt like he was looking up into the night sky to finally find the constellation again he had been missing all through the winter months. It had taken a bit longer than just one winter for him, but he finally had his Aquarius back and he was brighter than ever.

“Do you know the multiverse theory?” Louis asked, one of his fingers lazily drawing swirls on Harry’s warm body. “Yeah, I think?” Harry furrowed his eyebrows a bit in confusion at the unrelated question. Louis just shrugged. “I’ve been watching a lot of stuff about space. Anyways, the theory basically says that they are millions of universes with millions of slight alterations, right? So there’s practically a universe for every possible version of every possible story.” Harry nodded, still a bit confused about where this was going so Louis just continued. "I was just thinking that, if there are really so many different universes, I am really fucking lucky to be in this one.” He sighed softly and snuggled closer into Harry’s side. Louis could feel Harry looking down on him and their eyes met. Harry’s entire face was softened by an expression of complete adoration and fond and love that Louis hadn’t seen in a long time. “Yeah, me too, Lou. Really happy.”


End file.
